Okay right, I know this joke is overdone at this point, But like seriously, what... okay let's step back a bit.
After a long Period of being tossed around like a Volleyball, I finally got a chance to take a fecking break from my life, and I decided to go watch Madame web
I know.
I make the best life decisions.
Point is anything with half a life and half a decent story was going to catch my attention at that time, I was mostly in it to just be in it.
And the thing is, I have been away from movies and all(I know crime of a Cinephile) so even though I knew the actresses, I didn't really.(Isabella who?)
Isabella Merced
So what is the story? The story is, future seeing spider people.
That's it.
The main driver of the plot is this breed of Spiders that can apparently cure Cancer(not really) and that an entire tribe is based around for the heck of it.
And the mother of the main character is researching those spiders, because blah blah save the world, oh no wait, it is because her child was going to have a bad case of dying early, oh okay sure, I care a lot more now.
Madame Web was first introduced to me as the main quest giver in Spider man shattered dimensions.
And there she seemed the mysterious mentor Archetype, the one who is strangely overpowered and oversees the main character's journey.
Her powers are multiversal awareness, clairvoyance, and having a very soothing voice, Dakota Johnson has one of those three.
Now, jokes aside clairvoyance is depicted pretty well in this movie, in a form of Deja Vu, for the main Character, which is Great, but then that is circumvented by poor lighting, bad effects and terrible Dialogue.
YES HONEY! WE KNOW THIS IS BEN PARKER!
Who the fuck talks like that?
CASSANDRA WEBB!!!
Like honestly, this movie is trying so hard to be spiderman Adjacent but NOT SPIDERMAN THAT IS WITH MARVELLLLL.... that the main spiderman like character Ezekiel Simms has all his lines ADRed
I mean Credit Where Credit is due he is a good villain, the Flash Forwards are a good way to show how far Ezekiel is willing to go just to save what he has built... which is... what exactly?
Uhh.... Madame Webb is a Multiversal and Clairvoyant Character, what I wanted was more of that one scene where Webb and Simms are essentially having a Clairvoyance battle and talking over a long distance using their powers, like more of the paranormal, less of Teenagers dancing on Tables, which you know, nothing wrong with it if that's your Jam.
But that ain't Madame Web, that's Dakota Johnson and three women who maybe one day will get powers maybe.
This isn't even talking about how the entire Movie is just teasing what is coming Later, like all these three girls are important only because the movie says so, we never see them do anything special, everything is teased in a vision and it is well established that the visions can be wrong.
The thing is this movie is good on it's own I would have loved it if it were just a Student film project, which it honestly feels like, the concept is amazing, the premise is amazing, and this would have been my favorite if it were a fan film, But it's not, its an official Sony production.
And the whole thing is filled with shoddy effects and unnecessary Foreshadowing.
This whole scenario reminds me of that time when Avi Arad said that he doesn't want Madame Webb in the Spiderman 80's series cause he can't make action figures of an old Broad(yes that's what he said.)
Even then the creators had the balls to be accurate to the source Material, Madame Webb is an empowerment story about an old disabled woman on life support making the most of her situation and being a pivotal figure in the whole story.
It's not that she is young in this story, of course everyone was young at a point it's that it is very clear that Sony deliberately strayed from accuracy to make a less empowering story and played hard on the empowerment angle, seriously.
Why am I even surprised?
And on that note... what did Ezekiel build? And why did he betray Webb's mom? just because? Felt like it...
But then again those scenes where he's just Brutally murdering everyone are truly Terrifying... thing is... could have been much better, but who wants good when you can have mediocrity.
I better be patient, because Sony Spiderman isn't all bad... the Spider Verse are and will always be the most amazing things ever, but then stuff like Madame Webb makes me wonder if they actually make the net average to zero or negative in terms of Quality, and if the Next spiderverse movie is safe.
And why wasn't Madame Webb in Spider Verse?
So many questions, one answer, Sony wants a piece of the proverbial cake, but simply put, doesn't get it, but even a broken Clock is right twice. and so we got Spider Verse and Venom, which yes Venom ain't the best either, but at least those movies are good movies, enjoyable movies, there's a point to them, and it's not just... student art film project 2024.
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